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	Tuesday MAY 25, 2000		EVENING EDITION * 25¢

Readers Respond add your thoughts

i would like to say ...that ....well ..frankly ...the ...ah ....what's it called ...ah ...the uh .....damn ....oh ....well ....ahhh .....witchazel will blow up the fucking world .....yeah
~viagraman~

I was thrilled to find out that you kicked out your scumbag drummer. I can't think of a better decision! More power to you!
~Groupie~

My tools are ready to take some readings, baby!
~Witchazel Bassist~

15 I don't know my measurements come and c**** them out yourself hot stuff!?
~Witchazel Groupie~

Age? Measurements?
~Witchazel Bassist~

I think the bassist is hot. I wanna do him so bad!!!!
~Witchazel Groupie~

perhaps if mr. ryles would have been drinking my all new non acoholic whiskey ...things would not have gotten out of hand ...damn that n/a beer ...they hop it up with that meth stuff ....good luck dave ..and you too paco
~jack ~

uhmm what?
~dude~

Still Kickn'

It has been a long time since last we talked. We here at the Times are dedicated to keeping you up with the latest Witchazel news. It seems lately there has been nothing to report! The band dissappeared into the studio and then suddenly stopped issuing press releases to us. I decided to investigate...

All that I could find out from the Witchazel press offices was that the band was going through "Internal Struggles". Th e release of the single "Bonescraper" as well as the band's virgin relaese of a full length CD have been stalled for an indeterminate amount of time.

With no further information available I decided to hack into the Witchazel mail accounts to see what I could find. The following is what I found

4:00-Eagerly awaiting the call from Mike Kiricenkov, Dave Ryles checks to make sure all phone lines and jacks secure.
4:09-Having not received the call yet, Ryles goes to the kitchen to get a refreshment.
4:11-With the refrigerator door ajar, Ryles believes to hear a distant phone ring. Upon rushing to the phone and answering, he realizes there is no one on the other end. Phone records indicate there were no incoming calls at this time.
4:24-After waiting for the call for what seems to be hours, Ryles begins to put away non-alcoholic beer at a feverish pace.
4:38-Still no call. Again, Ryles checks the phone line connections and checks for new voice mail messages.
4:39-After 15 minutes of steady drinking, Ryles apprehensively leaves his phoneside post to relieve himself.
4:45-A call to Kiricenkov yields no answer.
4:54-Ryles picks up an acoustic guitar to relieve anxiety.
4:56-After an hour of waiting, Ryles claims he drove his black 1995 Honda Prelude VTEC to Kmart to purchase bathroom supplies.
5:08-Ryles allegedly arrives at the apartment of Deana Carrington to visit Deana's 21-month old son, David Aaron.
5:43-After a quick visit, Ryles heads back to his Rosemont Garden home to check for signs of a phone call.
6:00-Ryles arrives at the house and hears a voice mail message from Kiricenkov time stamped at 6:00. This is a transcript of the actual message: "Dave, this is Michael...Wes just got here and we're gonna get something to eat... uh...give us a call at my house...not sure how long we're gonna be here..."
6:01-Another call to Kiricenkov is answered by the answering machine. Ryles leaves a polite message. Ryles sat by the telephone awaiting a call from Kiricenkov while making repeated attempts to reach someone at the Kiricenkov household. This went on for 2 more hours before Ryles, now on the edge of sanity from an entire afternoon of emotional distress and 29 bottles of non-alcoholic beer, stepped out onto the back porch of his south Lexington home and opened fire on his redneck neighbors across the street. "I ain't never seen nothin' like it," one of Ryles' neighbors at the time of the incident recounts. "He just kep' yellin' at us & sayin' why didn't we never call him. The cops said he was pretty hopped up on crystal meth when they took him out." While toxicology results revealed no illicit drugs present in Ryles' blood, Dr. Fu Manchu at the University of Kentucky Medical Center hypothesized about the freakish behavior Ryles displayed that day. "Too much beeah! O'Doul's make you cwazy! Too too many beeah! He was cwazy!" 4 wounded,16 dead, including bandmate "Lyin'"Dan Barkman,30. While no one can be certain of all of the events that transpired or the causes of the carnage on that Sunday in April, the jury decided after a 2-week trial and 3 hours of deliberation that Mr. Ryles was temporarily driven to insanity by the inconsiderate nature of his friends' behavior. This insanity turned deadly when compounded by the 29 O'Doul's beers consumed by Ryles in less than a 4-hour span.
On Monday May 1, 2000, David W. Ryles filed a civil suit against Anheuser-Busch Inc., makers of O'Doul's non-alcoholic beverage, claiming that their product destroyed his reputation and broke up his struggling rock band. Inside sources tell us the defense plans to expose the psychological abuse Ryles suffered at the hands of self-centered aquaintance, Michael Kiricenkov. The defense will reportedly paint Kiricenkov as a greedy, manipulative ring leader out to destroy all around him.